Am I girlfriend material? Kind of a daunting question when I asked myself in such a straightforward way. The sort of question that causes you to look yourself in the mirror and contemplate your life while brushing your teeth. I looked down at my unshaved legs (I don’t care if it’s been 3 weeks Mom. I have a strict policy about shaving), my top bun, and the bruises on my legs from deadlifting. Are girlfriends supposed to look like this? Scratch the looks portion, I will just reassess every past relationship for the 50th time and find my answer.
I revisited my past and realized that all of my time as a girlfriend, a side hoe, a “wifey-material-but-not-enough-to-commit-to” was proof that that maybe I wasn’t girlfriend material after all. In the past, I always thought it took being myself. But not really myself. The “better” version of me. The kind that was insanely giving with the uncanny ability to control my crazy enough to be as cool as Netflix’s best friend Chill. Oh and also somehow become a person that did not fart or poop at all. So, a phony really that could not make it as an acceptable partner. How could someone enjoy my company when I was cookie cutting out my rough edges just to be something to someone?
However, there was a shift, an aha moment of sorts in my view of what relationship material actually means. The more I dated by being phony, the more I desperately needed and subsequently found my “Eat, Pray, Love” moment in life...minus the love part. So really just me eating and taking a divine sabbatical from all things dating. The more I ate, the more I dug through my own crap. The more I sifted through my baggage and looked at it from different angles, the more I began to welcome it. And the more I allowed myself to shamelessly embrace it like a woman does to a wine bottle, the more I saw that my perfect partner was right in front of me the whole time: Me. I stopped trying so damn hard to be girlfriend material and become more me material.
I learned the most about myself in my few year flirtation with the nun life. The great reveal is that I did in fact discover the rather small way to be girlfriend material:
Let that shit go right now. Trying to find out what makes you perfect for a relationship is possibly the reason that it is so hard to date. More likely than not, the person you need to date is the prickly legged person staring at yourself in the mirror. Grab a razor and take yourself on a date. I guarantee you the moment you begin letting go of your attempts at love is the moment that the universe will deliver you the material you’ve been asking for.