Every person has someone that truly seems as though the sun shines out of their ass. You gravitate to that person because you could tell them that you vomited out the car window on a first date and they would list the reasons why it’s all good and you’re still an amazing person. They are the type of people that constantly find the silver lining and one of those ass sun shining people is me.
The thing about being the person that sees the silver lining, is that I became expected to be the silver lining fairy all of the time. People began to wait on me to put on my lovely rose-colored glasses on and be like Oprah handing out goodness like “You get happiness, you happiness, we all get fricken happiness!!”
However, it became an obvious problem because… shh this one’s a shocking secret...I am not always happy. It showed up when that family member kept telling me at every function that all my life decisions really suck ass. Or when I was overwhelmed with doubt about my own life and just wanted to be alone. When people label you as the bearer of positivity, you are forced to question who you are when the rose-colored glasses are not working. Am I truly an upbeat, stoked-on-life person if I feel like ripping your head off while simultaneously crying and eating alone in my bed?
It becomes a vicious cycle of feeling, feeling bad about feeling, and stuffing it down like dirty clothes in an overflowing laundry basket. And that is exactly what happens: buildup and overflow. And that overflow contains the nasty stank of unanswered emotions and that smell is more intrusive now than ever before.
When the positive fairy dust has fallen from my face and into a pool of donuts, anger, and sadness, it seems that ignoring it all in the name of remaining happy is not always the answer. My constant desire to not feel or face the “ugliness” inside of me ends up being the constant source of my overly emotional state. In the end, it became obvious that it was harder to endure the aftermath of my ignorance than it was to just allow myself to show up and be vulnerable.
In that I found the key to my happiness and sanity requires me to stop judging how I feel when I am not so happy. It forces me to allow every emotion to surface without labeling myself as good or bad for feeling it in the first place. To try to communicate and understand it. To be grateful for the experience and let it go. That right there is authenticity and it has allowed me to understand the idea of genuinely feeling great and thankful more often rather than always.
In the end, happiness does not contain a small print that says “You must treat every moment like you just met a rainbow unicorn or else you are an unhappy fraud.” Allowing myself to BE, to truly be seen for who I am, more than just the person with the sun shining out of their ass.