Trying Not to Catch the Feels: How to Stop Judging Yourself When The Happy Sun is Not Shining Out of Your Ass

Every person has someone that truly seems as though the sun shines out of their ass. You gravitate to that person because you could tell them that you vomited out the car window on a first date and they would list the reasons why it’s all good and you’re still an amazing person. They are the type of people that constantly find the silver lining and one of those ass sun shining people is me.

The thing about being the person that sees the silver lining, is that I became expected to be the silver lining fairy all of the time. People began to wait on me to put on my lovely rose-colored glasses on and be like Oprah handing out goodness like “You get happiness, you happiness, we all get fricken happiness!!”


However, it became an obvious problem because… shh this one’s a shocking secret...I am not always happy. It showed up when that family member kept telling me at every function that all my life decisions really suck ass. Or when I was overwhelmed with doubt about my own life and just wanted to be alone. When people label you as the bearer of positivity, you are forced to question who you are when the rose-colored glasses are not working. Am I truly an upbeat, stoked-on-life person if I feel like ripping your head off while simultaneously crying and eating alone in my bed?

It becomes a vicious cycle of feeling, feeling bad about feeling, and stuffing it down like dirty clothes in an overflowing laundry basket. And that is exactly what happens: buildup and overflow. And that overflow contains the nasty stank of unanswered emotions and that smell is more intrusive now than ever before.

When the positive fairy dust has fallen from my face and into a pool of donuts, anger, and sadness, it seems that ignoring it all in the name of remaining happy is not always the answer. My constant desire to not feel or face the “ugliness” inside of me ends up being the constant source of my overly emotional state. In the end, it became obvious that it was harder to endure the aftermath of my ignorance than it was to just allow myself to show up and be vulnerable.

In that I found the key to my happiness and sanity requires me to stop judging how I feel when I am not so happy. It forces me to allow every emotion to surface without labeling myself as good or bad for feeling it in the first place. To try to communicate and understand it. To be grateful for the experience and let it go. That right there is authenticity and it has allowed me to understand the idea of genuinely feeling great and thankful more often rather than always.

In the end, happiness does not contain a small print that says “You must treat every moment like you just met a rainbow unicorn or else you are an unhappy fraud.” Allowing myself to BE, to truly be seen for who I am, more than just the person with the sun shining out of their ass.

PokemonGo: The True Story of Being Young, Broke, and Restless While Trying to Catch 'Em All

Hold on with me here for a second for I am about to make a long metaphor. Take 5 minutes to read this and by the end you will understand why. Trust me on this.

I am dirt. Young, broke, and restless but dirt nevertheless.

I am dirt every time I can’t figure out my next move in life. When I wonder how the hell the Universe plans on me fulfilling my destiny when I am so scared of the “right” step that I can’t seem to take one at all. When I look at the expanding, limitless world in front of me and wonder how I am going to find my place in it. It has turned me to the equivalent of a Pokemon trainer without the app, which is honestly just me walking around the neighborhood with full fledged faith that the bush that I am throwing balls at has a Pikachu in it.

However, maybe that is all life is… belief, faith, trust. Without religious or spiritual beliefs attached, there is no proof that I will get everything my heart is set on. There is no confirmation that any of our wildest dreams will come true. That the young, broke, and restless thing about being 22 will go away any time soon. That trust behind each blind step infuses purpose in it all. It transforms each step into a small act of allegiance to the rhythm, the pull that we feel but cannot be sure of.

So, perhaps our Pokemon Go training gym is being dirt. We walk aimlessly with no app to aid our journey all in the name of faith because while we may be dirt now, we are merely in a season of pruning. We are in the beginning stages of growth. There is something under the surface, the exact thing we feel but cannot name, and it is just waiting to flourish like hell.

I am coming to find that perhaps among all the turns I unknowingly take, all of the pokeballs I waste on trying to catch things that aren’t meant for me, is life’s way of slowly redirecting me towards growth, faith, and an ultimate unwavering sense of purpose. Because I am are more than just this stage of pruning. I am the Pokemon Master of my life. I am simply on my way to catching ‘em all.