Your Resolution is Basic and Sucks: Why The Only Goal in 2017 Should be to Look like a Complete Idiot and be Less Ashy

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to accomplish in 2017. Instead of telling them that all I really want is to make a fire mixtape or create a “New Year, New Me” goal that will likely explode into flames, I wanted to go against the rest of the population and think of something radically different. I do not want to arrive in December 2017 saying, “Well I really took a leap and got bangs. Oh, I also put lotion on more regularly so I’m finally less ashy.” Therefore, after much thought and deliberation, I have decided on a goal that would really change everything.

In 2017, I vow to look like a fool for anything I find important.

I’m sure I looked like an idiot many times this past year but I swear Mom it was not intentional and I didn’t mean to embarrass you. This time, I’m going to embarrass you with a purpose.

In my mind, I have always assumed that living without regrets looked something getting hammered before a deadline or putting extra toppings on our froyo because YOLO, right? But I want to take it one level further.

I want to be ridiculously vulnerable and unapologetic about anything I value because the more I look around, the more I realize how much I and so many people in my generation operate from a place of fear. We are scared what will happen if we try or even look like we are trying for someone or something completely out of our league. To tell others our straightforward, raw feelings, to drop the idea that “catching feelings” is a bad thing, to go out on a limb and look ridiculous for life.

We all pretend that the new year will make us workout more, bring love into our lives, and make us promise to put more damn lotion on but that’s not everything. Little goals hide behind the overwhelming fact that we do not give ourselves enough time and attention to feel comfortable with being seen. We neglect the root of our issues, we make light of things that hurt, we do everything possible to escape the necessity of self-awareness and vulnerability.

I have done all of that and perhaps deep down, I’ve always felt undeserving. Maybe I don’t feel secure in the fact that I am worthy of the things that bring light into my life. What if I, Cassie, don’t meet the requirements for this love, this school, this job, or this experience? It has become an obsession that has kept me from the possibility of looking like a complete idiot for things that I want.

In 2017, I will try to fail hard and repeatedly without adding it to my 17 part rumination as to why I may be undeserving. I will attempt to live without regrets that I didn’t do something for my happiness and well-being because I was afraid and unsure of myself. At any given moment, I will strive give up my pride and my fear in order to look stupid for anything meaningful. Next December, I will not have to sit and wonder what the hell I accomplished because, even if I’m still ashy or still haven’t made a successful mixtape for all of you, I will have lived honestly, intentionally, and openly for once.

Trying Not to Catch the Feels: How to Stop Judging Yourself When The Happy Sun is Not Shining Out of Your Ass

Every person has someone that truly seems as though the sun shines out of their ass. You gravitate to that person because you could tell them that you vomited out the car window on a first date and they would list the reasons why it’s all good and you’re still an amazing person. They are the type of people that constantly find the silver lining and one of those ass sun shining people is me.

The thing about being the person that sees the silver lining, is that I became expected to be the silver lining fairy all of the time. People began to wait on me to put on my lovely rose-colored glasses on and be like Oprah handing out goodness like “You get happiness, you happiness, we all get fricken happiness!!”

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However, it became an obvious problem because… shh this one’s a shocking secret...I am not always happy. It showed up when that family member kept telling me at every function that all my life decisions really suck ass. Or when I was overwhelmed with doubt about my own life and just wanted to be alone. When people label you as the bearer of positivity, you are forced to question who you are when the rose-colored glasses are not working. Am I truly an upbeat, stoked-on-life person if I feel like ripping your head off while simultaneously crying and eating alone in my bed?

It becomes a vicious cycle of feeling, feeling bad about feeling, and stuffing it down like dirty clothes in an overflowing laundry basket. And that is exactly what happens: buildup and overflow. And that overflow contains the nasty stank of unanswered emotions and that smell is more intrusive now than ever before.

When the positive fairy dust has fallen from my face and into a pool of donuts, anger, and sadness, it seems that ignoring it all in the name of remaining happy is not always the answer. My constant desire to not feel or face the “ugliness” inside of me ends up being the constant source of my overly emotional state. In the end, it became obvious that it was harder to endure the aftermath of my ignorance than it was to just allow myself to show up and be vulnerable.

In that I found the key to my happiness and sanity requires me to stop judging how I feel when I am not so happy. It forces me to allow every emotion to surface without labeling myself as good or bad for feeling it in the first place. To try to communicate and understand it. To be grateful for the experience and let it go. That right there is authenticity and it has allowed me to understand the idea of genuinely feeling great and thankful more often rather than always.

In the end, happiness does not contain a small print that says “You must treat every moment like you just met a rainbow unicorn or else you are an unhappy fraud.” Allowing myself to BE, to truly be seen for who I am, more than just the person with the sun shining out of their ass.