Everyone keeps asking me what I want to accomplish in 2017. Instead of telling them that all I really want is to make a fire mixtape or create a “New Year, New Me” goal that will likely explode into flames, I wanted to go against the rest of the population and think of something radically different. I do not want to arrive in December 2017 saying, “Well I really took a leap and got bangs. Oh, I also put lotion on more regularly so I’m finally less ashy.” Therefore, after much thought and deliberation, I have decided on a goal that would really change everything.
In 2017, I vow to look like a fool for anything I find important.
I’m sure I looked like an idiot many times this past year but I swear Mom it was not intentional and I didn’t mean to embarrass you. This time, I’m going to embarrass you with a purpose.
In my mind, I have always assumed that living without regrets looked something getting hammered before a deadline or putting extra toppings on our froyo because YOLO, right? But I want to take it one level further.
I want to be ridiculously vulnerable and unapologetic about anything I value because the more I look around, the more I realize how much I and so many people in my generation operate from a place of fear. We are scared what will happen if we try or even look like we are trying for someone or something completely out of our league. To tell others our straightforward, raw feelings, to drop the idea that “catching feelings” is a bad thing, to go out on a limb and look ridiculous for life.
We all pretend that the new year will make us workout more, bring love into our lives, and make us promise to put more damn lotion on but that’s not everything. Little goals hide behind the overwhelming fact that we do not give ourselves enough time and attention to feel comfortable with being seen. We neglect the root of our issues, we make light of things that hurt, we do everything possible to escape the necessity of self-awareness and vulnerability.
I have done all of that and perhaps deep down, I’ve always felt undeserving. Maybe I don’t feel secure in the fact that I am worthy of the things that bring light into my life. What if I, Cassie, don’t meet the requirements for this love, this school, this job, or this experience? It has become an obsession that has kept me from the possibility of looking like a complete idiot for things that I want.
In 2017, I will try to fail hard and repeatedly without adding it to my 17 part rumination as to why I may be undeserving. I will attempt to live without regrets that I didn’t do something for my happiness and well-being because I was afraid and unsure of myself. At any given moment, I will strive give up my pride and my fear in order to look stupid for anything meaningful. Next December, I will not have to sit and wonder what the hell I accomplished because, even if I’m still ashy or still haven’t made a successful mixtape for all of you, I will have lived honestly, intentionally, and openly for once.